Please read the Legal Disclaimer.
Twelve Step Super Nimrod
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Hey, kids...
Want to paddle like a first-timer on Class IV water? Want to annoy your
friends and irritate complete strangers? Would you like to have your
ancestry soundly cursed by the pros? Ever wondered what it would feel like
to have a paddle stuck all the way up there where the sun don't shine?
Well, for a limited time you can be the first on your block to complete
Grateful Ed's Super Nimrod Twelve Step Program in only ten steps! It's fun,
it's easy, and it's all yours for only $7,995.99 & 9/10*! Here's what you'll
be able to do in just a few short hours:
1) Miss easy lines! You'll thrill and amuse spectators by getting washed
under undercut rocks, sticking in recirculating hydraulics, tangling in
strainers, and getting whacked in the forehead by slalom gates. As a bonus
you'll learn how to ignore throw ropes that hit you in the back of the head,
as well as how to assume the body postures which maximize your danger of
great bodily harm from river debris like yourself.
2) Block the eddies! You'll be able to sit across the narrowest eddies at
the most fun holes on the river. As you sit drooling in your stupor, you
will create an eddy-hazard which not even world-class slalom racers will be
able to negotiate...hence sharpening their skills and earning yourself a
reputation as a Class VI Nimrod. You'll be proud of the ringing in your ears
from repeated paddle-slaps against your helmet.
3) Delay the wave-line for 20 minutes by waiting on distant rafts and then
ride the wave for three seconds! You'll be amazed at your credibility when
you begin holding up your fellow paddlers for that perfect instant. Everyone
will marvel at your calmness as you wait patiently for that special
moment...nothing less than a five-minute ride for you, thank you very much.
And then you'll be equally amazed by the groans and curses as you get blown
off that wave in less time than you can say: "Grateful Ed's Super Nimrod
Twelve-Step Program Made A Nimrod Out Of Me In Only Ten Steps!"
4) Annoy superior paddlers with unneeded advice! Bask in a sense of
self-importance as you explain to Corrin Addison that the proper way to
execute a pirouette is with a
cross-bow-reverse-draw-inverted-forward-sweep-back-deck-snap-corkscrew-rol l.
You'll know that you're remembered long after you leave the hole, because
you'll overhear snippets of conversation like "I'll KILL the bastard!", "Be
cool, man...we'll slash his tires later," and "What a Nimrod!"
5) Dislocate your shoulder while attempting a high brace! Manly doctors and
cuddly nurses will cluck their tongues as you describe your fearless exploits
and subsequent agony. Bloodsucking lawyers will encourage you to sue your
boat company, your paddle company, your boxer shorts company, and even your
fellow Nimrods.
6) Swim without trying to roll! You'll get to watch teamwork in action as
your friends and even people you've never met scramble to save your boat,
your paddle, and even your stupid butt from the latest silly predicament
you've gotten yourself into. No excuse too small! You'll be able to make
profound observations like "I've got grits in my eyes," "My paddle is a
224-180 and it's too uncomfortable," and even "My PowerBar is gone!" with
poise and confidence.
7) Vertically pin your boat! As the bow slowly folds, crushing your femurs
and forcing your head beneath the surface of the water, you'll think
"Golly...I'm glad I skipped the luau last weekend so that I could study for
my Comparative Religion class!"
8) Swear you'll never paddle again! You'll feel safe as houses as you
mortgage the heads of your children to the river gods. You'll learn oaths on
the soul of your mother, oaths on the Christian trinity, and oaths on the
entire Hindu pantheon. Learn how to forget all about these oaths in less
than a week!
9) Flip the bird to innocent hitchhikers as you zoom past them! You'll feel
self-righteous as you and your Brother (or Sister) Nimrod take up twice as
many parking spaces and burn twice as much gasoline so you wouldn't have to
bother with hitching after your triumphant run down Old Man River.
10) Lie like a rug! Concoct weird and unlikely tales of the imaginary
derring-do of make-believe friends on nonexistent rivers! Bore passers-by
with your outlandish braggotry! This technique was perfected by Grateful Ed
himself, and is included in this introductory package at No Extra Charge
(note to self: remember to edit this one out before posting to
rec.boats.paddle).
Yes, all these skills can be yours. But wait...order now and you'll receive
absolutely free of charge a bonus trip down the river with the rafting
company of your choice! Imagine the thrill of ruling the river with an iron
fist and grinding puny paddlers into jelly between your raft and the rocks!
Hold your head high and tell 'em that you're proud to be a Nimrod!
Next week: Whitewater paddling's influence on feudal Russian literature.
Should be a short article.
*Payable by check or cash in US funds or homebrew. Not accredited by the
AWA, AA, IEEE, Sigma Nu, the UN, or the GOP. All participants receive
T-shirts.
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