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Moose-Slapping Good Time In Maine

Good morning from Maine! I have just spent three fantabulous days sea kayaking in Casco Bay, and I am seriously enjoying the: Mosquitoes!

Yes, mosquitoes. As Maine residents know, a mosquito is a large, furry bird weighing approximately forty pounds, with an eight-foot wingspan and a huge hypodermic beak capable of sucking a fat moose into a little shriveled raisin in about eight seconds. In fact, the word "Mosquito" comes from the Latin word "fatmus", meaning "a fat moose", and "squitare", meaning "to suck into a little shriveled raisin".

No, really! The mosquitoes in Maine are vicious animals, and they are not to be trifled with. Another vicious animal in Maine which is not to be trifled with is the Toll Booth Attendant. I would never allow a Maine Toll Booth Attendant within fifty feet of my wallet, because a Maine Toll Booth Attendant can suck a fat wallet into a little shriveled raisin in about eight seconds!

I like Maine. Maine's state motto is: "Come Back After Your Emergency Transfusion!" No, seriously, Maine is a great state, and its motto is something about the benefits of tourism.

Tourists flock to Maine's beaches from miles around, where they sit under the stars and slap moose...er, mosquitoes. You get a much better view of the stars from Maine, because Maine is the northernmost state of the Union and the stars are a lot closer. I mean really, what with all of that toll revenue coming in, you'd think the state would issue hardhats to incoming tourists. You could really hurt yourself if you bumped your head on the Milky Way, for example, because the stars are so pointy.

Another reason the stars are so bright in Maine is that the state shuts all of the lights off at eight-thirty PM, a practice which is known as "Daylight Savings Time". In Maine they have to pump in all the light from other, brighter states, and it costs money to run the pumps. Hey, you think the state is made of money? That'll be eighty-seven fifty, sir, and drive carefully.

Maine's proximity to the stars means that there are constellations here which you can't see from other states. You can check me if you think I'm wrong...for example, walk out in the front yard right now. Go on...I'll wait.

Now that you're outside, look over to your right. If you can see a constellation resembling a forty-pound mosquito, then you're in Maine, and you're looking at a constellation called "The Toll Booth Attendant". Look carefully at the fourteenth star in the mosquito's nose...do you see how it's blinking? That's the light on the very tippy-top of the radio tower in Bangor. So now you know you're in Maine.

If you can't see this constellation, then don't worry...all it means is that you're not in Maine. But it's cool...you can drive up here, and all it will cost you is a few hundred bucks in tolls. And six quarts of blood. Drive carefully!
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