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Absences and Affections...
It has been rightly pointed out that I've been absent from r.b.p., lo, these
many weeks. I could probably list fifty reasons why this has been the case,
but all of them would ring hollow except for a quotation from Holy Writ:
"And Ed did smile upon the unbelievers from atop the falls, and did pencil
in, saying 'Blessed be they who immerse themselves, for they shall be again
delivered up unto the World of Mammon, and they shall be called hair
boaters'. Selah." (Procrastinations XXI:4)
After all, the Almighty has a soft spot for paddlers, as we've all proven
time and time again by virtue of miraculous escapes from the Valley of the
Shadow of Drowning. Moses commanded water from a rock, God covered the world
in a deluge, Ed escaped heinous pinning in the Bowling Alley on Chattanooga's
North Chickamauga...miracles, every one.
In short, I've been absent because I've been paddling. And I've fallen in
love.
With a woman, that is. What can I say? She's smart, she's good looking,
she's got good teeth...but you don't need the details. What the hey, this
isn't rec.girlfriends.good.teeth, right? Sorry for the slip-up.
She's very tolerant of my paddling, and the coolest thing about her is that
she doesn't want to try it for herself. You heard me right. I've dated
women who only wanted to paddle so that they could spend more time with me,
and while I gratefully accept the spirit of such a gesture, I disagree with
the notion that paddling for any reason other than its own sake is worth the
effort. She understands that. And in fact, since she is a firm believer
that both of us occasionally need our space, she recognizes that these
weekend paddling trips (and ensuing bursts of insanity) are both healthy and
normal.
What a woman. It's amazing. And the cool thing is that I don't have to
teach her how to paddle. Ever tried to teach a significant other how to
paddle? I can't do it...it has always proved fatal to the relationship.
Perhaps I should be glad that I don't have the gift, because it seems to me
that paddling causes broken relationships o'plenty.
As a simple illustration, I have written a short play in four acts. A local
outfitter holds roll practice every third Thursday, and I've seen this little
scenario acted out dozens of times at those pool sessions.
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[Scene 1: Man standing in pool. Woman sitting in kayak with confident look
on face. Man speaks.]
Man: Allright, here we go. Excited? I want to start you out with some hip
snap practice.
Woman: Hip snap?
Man: That's when you swing your ass from one side to the other really quick.
What this does is it rocks your boat back and forth. When you're upside
down sometimes you can roll back up with just a hip snap. Woman: OK.
[Man tows Woman's boat to poolside. Woman braces left arm on side of pool
and with Man assisting leans over until her left ear touches surface of
water. Woman attempts to hip snap back up, and does this so powerfully that
she completely rolls over to her right side and winds up underwater. Man
grabs Woman's boat and attempts to bodily flip it back over, but Woman pops
her spray skirt and swims free before he's able to roll the boat. Man curses
mildly. Boat fills with water.]
[Scene 2, somewhat later: Man standing in pool. Woman sitting in kayak, now
holding fiberglass paddle and looking much less confident. Woman speaks.]
Woman: Don't let me flip. Don't let me flip.
Man (patiently): I'm not going to let you flip. Just extend your paddle
blade to me, I'll hold it, and you can brace. Hold it for a second and then
hip snap back up just like we did on the side of the pool.
Woman: If I flip will you roll me back up?
Man (less patiently): You're not gonna flip. Ready?
[Woman extends paddle blade to Man, but before he can take it in his hands
Woman loses balance. Woman accidentally cracks Man across top of head with
paddle as she rolls underwater. Woman swims. Man curses loudly. Boat fills
with water.]
[Scene 3, even later: Woman sitting in kayak, holding fiberglass paddle and
sneezing. Man standing in pool more than a paddle-length away. Man speaks.]
Man (with forced cheer): You almost had it that time. Good job! Woman: I
got that nasty water up my nose again. God, that burns! Gotta get some nose
plugs! I've got water in my ears. I think I broke off one of my nails.
Man: Hold your voice down, sweetheart. You don't want these people to hear
you saying stuff like that. You were doing good until you got about halfway
up, but I think you're trying to bring your head up before your body. Your
head needs to stay in the water until last.
Woman: But I can't do that! I get under there and I panic. I feel like I
don't have any air left.
Man: If you take a full breath you've got at least thirty seconds of air.
What you need to do first is just sit still for a second and calm down. Try
to remember that you can hold your breath for a long time. You're doing
really well. When you get under there feel around with the blade of your
paddle for the surface, and then remember to hip snap and lay your head on
your left shoulder. Pay attention to the angles of your wrists and try to
keep your left elbow straight. If your nose burns a little bit, you can
slowly exhale to keep water from going up it.
Woman (babbling): How am I supposed to remember all of that? I don't have
time for it. I've only got a few seconds before I panic. You make it look
so easy, and it's frustrating. Dammit, I hate not being able to do this. I
won't be able to do this and you'll decide that you'd rather hang out with
your paddling buddies instead of me. I'll feel like I'm holding you back,
and I want you to have a good time, so I won't be able to see you. You run
around with your paddling buddies more than you do me, anyway. Somtimes I
wonder if you'd rather be sleeping with your buddy Skeezix or your boat than
me. I can't believe I'm trying this. I'm going to be so sore tomorrow.
Man (after a long pause): Are you better now?
Woman: I guess so. Here goes.
[Woman abruptly rolls under and thrashes wildly with paddle blade in attempt
to eskimo roll. Man begins to approach boat in order to render assistance.
Woman stabs out with paddle blade and catches him edge-on squarely in the
crotch. Man curses loudly and with considerable malice, and doubles over.
Woman swims. Boat fills with water.]
[Scene 4, at the end of a long night: Man standing on diving board. Woman
sitting on far side of pool in kayak holding fiberglass paddle. Man speaks.]
Man (shouting between cupped hands): OK, HONEY, IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO TRY IT
ON YOUR OWN! REMEMBER TO BRING YOUR HEAD UP LAST.
Woman: I'M GOING TO DROWN! I KNOW I'M GOING TO PANIC AND DROWN! Man
[struggling for patience]: NO YOU'RE NOT. BE COOL. YOU CAN DO IT! Woman:
WILL YOU STILL GO OUT WITH ME IF I CAN'T DO THIS?
Man [sighing]: YES, YES. GO ON AND HIT YOUR ROLL.
[Woman rolls kayak over and begins thrashing about with paddle. Man speaks.]
Man: Drown, bitch!
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And from there on it's all downhill.
Please don't accuse me of being chauvanistic. I'm not. This is just one
more variation in a very old game, a game in which both sexes are at equal
disadvantage. It warms my heart that my girlfriend refuses to paddle. I may
never have to play the game again.
Next week I'll explain how leeches can be used to replace duct tape in simple
boat repairs. So long!
Ed
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