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Paddling the Boss's Kid

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I just started a new job, and one of the things that helped me get my foot in the door was paddling.

No, really! The guy who hired me has been a weekend warrior for several years. He hasn't really embraced "the lifestyle" due to time pressure, family, and so forth, but he at least speaks the lingo. I think he paddles a Dancer or something like that. He's a decent guy.

Well...last Friday afternoon I dropped by his office on the way out to see if he had plans for Saturday.

"You know, Gary...the Tellico is running, and this might be a good time for you to hit the Ledges for the first time," I told him.

He smiled and brightened up. "That's the drop series that ends with Baby Falls, right? Aren't there a couple of class fours below Baby?" he asked. He's never run a class IV rapid.

"Diaper Wiper and Jarrod's Knee are fourish at higher water," I answered. "It should be running at around five hundred CFS or so, so I don't think they'll be that bad. The hole at Jarrod's doesn't really get grabby until eight hundred or so. You should come along!"

"I've heard about that hole. But I don't think I'll have time," he sighed, and his face darkened. Sensing a trap, I edged back into the doorway. "I'll be in here working these reports over tomorrow morning," he told me with a glum look on his face.

"Well, if you should change your mind, give me a call," I said quickly. I flipped him a quick wave and bailed out.

So it was not without some trepidation that I picked up the phone later on that night. Gary's name and number had appeared on my caller ID screen as if written there by some malicious river grinch. "Casa de Ed...", I answered flippantly.

"Ed, this is Gary. Look, are you still planning a paddling trip tomorrow?" he asked quickly and seriously. No small talk...heavy tone in his voice...bad juju from the getgo.

"Well, I was," I began. "What's up?"

"I just wanted to see if...well...if...", he stammered.

"Yes, yes? What?" I asked impatiently. I began to gnaw the phone cord and to feel about the kitchen counter for blunt objects.

"Would you mind taking my son Thomas along?" he finally spit out. "He just reminded me that I promised him I'd take him paddling tomorrow, and I just don't see how I can. If I don't get these reports out, I'm going to have to tell the VP that our projections aren't ready yet, and I'd never work in this town again."

And the bastard stood revealed: Dillemus Obfuscatus, a huge and hairy beast looming up at least seven feet high at the shoulder and brandishing an enormous pair of purple ream-horns. Either help the boss out and take his kid on my paddling trip, or kiss my next raise...and possibly every weekend for the rest of my life...goodbye.

Time to save face. "Why sure, Gary, I'd be glad to," I told him. What's the worst that could happen...get fired and paddle full-time? Besides, Gary was likely to be magnanimous. "I'll pick him up at eight tomorrow morning."

Andy and Skeezix cursed me for a brown-nosing fool on the way over to Gary's house. "Oh, great..." moaned Skeezix. "We don't even know if this kid can combat roll. How the hell are we supposed to take him down the Ledges? We might as well hit the Hiwassee and spend the day on Class II water."

"Thanks for the encouragement, hermano mio," I growled at him. "I'm not exactly thrilled with this either. If I tell the kid he can't run the Ledges, he'll complain to Gary and I'll wind up out on my kiester. But if I do let him run them and he gets spanked, I'll have to explain to Gary just exactly how I pushed his kid in over his head. Either way I'm toast. If this isn't the best run of the kid's life, I'm going to be drawing unemployment before you can say 'Pro Leisure Circuit.'"

So we were all surprised by Thomas when he turned out to be a pretty cool and likable kid during the drive up to the river. We picked him up at Gary's house on our way out of town and helped him load up his gear and his Creek 280. He had just gotten his right ear pierced the night before, and he was at least marginally familiar with every CD that I had in the case in my Ranger.

He fondled one in particular. "Oh, yeah," he said in a voice which had plainly done its share of cracking. "You know, Frank Zappa did a cut of 'Baby Snakes' on a bootleg I've got where he did a seven-minute solo and then crossed over into 'The Muffin Man' without missing a beat. Killer boot. I'll shoot you a copy on my Dad's CD-ROM recorder."

That's it, Thomas...I thought to myself...your kind karma just earned you a trip down the Ledges.

So it came as no surprise to any of us that he was able to handle himself with some degree of panache. He hit the first four rapids with style and ease, and he even attempted a helicopter off Baby Falls, which is a thirteen-foot drop. Skeezix led him through Diaper Wiper, the class III-IV S-turn downstream from Baby Falls, and Thomas made out like a pro.

I eddied out beside him. "You're doing great, man...only one more rapid to go, and you'll have run the Upper Tellico." He grinned. "Jarrod's Knee is a series of three rapids," I said. "The first one's an s-turn from right to center and back to right. The second's a chute from right to left followed by a boof over a small hole. The third one, which is the Knee itself, is another move from right to left followed by a boof, except this time it's key not to miss that boof. The hole at the bottom of the Knee is really nasty, and it'll work you around like a cement mixer if you're not careful." He nodded, and I continued. "Just follow me down and I'll talk you through each one of the rapids before we run them."

And he almost made it. He went through the first and second entrance rapids cleanly. He eddied out and watched me intently as I completed the last boof, cleared the hole, and eddied out to set up safety for his run. And then...

He made the right to left move OK, but he leaned wrong in some squirrely water just before the boof, and before I could shout to him not to lean upstream he flipped and dropped off the boof rock on his head...and directly into the hole. As I was ripping off my skirt and fishing out my throw rope, I saw his paddle pop free and wash downstream. After a long moment, he popped an amazingly graceful handroll, and he handsurfed for several seconds in the hole before getting a bad lean upstream and flipping again.

Skeezix deliberately ran through the center of the hole in an attempt to knock Thomas's boat clear, but he didn't have any luck. And then Thomas handrolled again...but this time by brute force and without any grace at all. He was able to keep his boat upright for only a second or two before the hole swallowed him yet again, and this time Skeezix and I heard a sickening crack as he whacked his head against the downstream face of the boof rock.

Trouble.

And then all at once his head bobbed up, just as Andy...our last and best hope...ran through the hole in one more rescue attempt. "Grab my stern!" he shouted to Thomas, and Thomas really tried. But the hole sucked him under, and Andy was through and out the other side before Thomas resurfaced.

I bounced my throw rope off his helmet, but he missed it too. As I was re-stowing it, he got recirculated once...twice...three times...four times...and then he disappeared. After each trip through the hole, he desperately tried to swim away from its powerful suction. He gritted his teeth, took a deep breath, and then he disappeared for the final time. About five seconds later his boat flushed free, but there was no sign of him.

I almost soiled my armor. And then, after another twenty seconds of sheer, gut-busting terror during which I saw no sign of the poor kid, I heard a weak cough from downstream. It was Thomas, kicking weakly against the current and sputtering up the forty gallons or so of water he'd swallowed.

I broke all Olympic speed records zooming over to him and towing him to the bank. He puked a couple of times, and his face was such a study of pain and misery that I couldn't stand to look at him.

"Stay here with Skeezix and Andy," I told him. "I'm going to get the truck. We'll drive into Tellico Plains and get you some coffee and something to eat, and you'll feel better." He wouldn't even look at me, and so I climbed the embankment to the road and stuck my miserable thumb out.

And in fact, Thomas never said another word to us for the entire trip home. It was a grim trip...three grownups feeling poorly as hell, and one scared, beat kid. Not a pretty sight. We dropped him off at his house in utter silence.

So on Monday morning, when I finally scraped up enough courage to go in to work, I wasn't at all surprised to find Gary waiting in my office. He was sitting in my chair and drumming his fingers on my desk. Oh, shit...I thought...here it comes. Guess I can sell the house this week and move in with my girlfriend, although I have no idea where my brother will stay.

"Well," I began, "what do you want me to say? I'm sorry, man...I had no idea...", and then he cut me off.

"What are you talking about?" he asked me. "I just dropped by to find out your secret with kids. We've been having some problems with Thomas lately, but he was really well-behaved all day on Sunday, and on Sunday night he had a long talk with his Mom and I about being more responsible. He said that something happened on the trip Saturday that really made him see things in a different light, and that he really owes you one."

Boing! I usually have a pretty good poker face, but the surprise nearly gave me away. "Well...everyone has a sense of self-respect," I told him slowly, "but the trick is to help them grow it. You just have to find that edge where they're still learning."

He nodded seriously, in complete thrall to my complete bullshit. "Anyway, thanks," he told me again. "Keep up the good work." And with that, he left me alone in my office. I shook my head for at least ten minutes and called my buddy in the human resources office to verify I was still on the payroll.

Now, I must be stone crazy to publish this on the Internet. If Gary finds out that I almost got his kid killed, I'm going to get fired so fast that I won't even have time to collect my last check. Keep your mouth shut about this one, will you?

Thanx...

Grateful



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