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A Boater's Biography

Posted by Maggie Owens on November 29, 2000 at 16:17:46:
http://www.forumboard.net/1676/

This is a true story (unfortunately)...

I have been looking for something to spend my free time
doing. Today I saw a Fard commercial. I'm sure you
all have seen it; the rugged mountains, an eagle, this
four-wheel drive vehicle tearing up the landscape. But
the more I watch it, the more I find something
appealing. There's a brief glimpse of some person
going off a waterfall and shaking the water off their
helmet at the bottom. The commercial pans out and
there they are, loading their boat onto the back of the
truck. Ohhhh, what a feeling - Fard! (person jumps)

I am convinced that kayaking is for me; daring,
dangerous, and definitely a story generator for those
mid-morning coffee breaks. I make my way to the
nearest outfitter, hell-bent to get me a vehicle of
glory. I discover a salesperson there who isn't old
enough to remember "voodoo economics," yet assures me
that the 1200 dollar piece of plastic is well worth the
money and will provide "an awesome ride."

Clearly, the Fard commercial understated the price of
accessories in their wet-dream commercial. So often,
the vehicle shown is listed with a base price, which
misleads the consumer into believing it is affordable.
Accessorizing my Fard has now cost me over 2000 bucks
and will no doubt devalue the minute I walk out of the
store with it. I've heard that Japanese accessories,
like Hunda, don't devalue as much as American
accessories do, but I'll be patriotic and stay with
America.

Now I'm ready to tackle some whitewater. Where is the
closest water? I've heard that there is some good
water down near DC. Get your motor running...

I do some net-surfing and find a local club has a site
for boaters. I raise a question about places to boat
and next thing you know, I'm hooking up with some
people to do "some good beginner class II." Wait a
darn minute! This is not the same as what I saw on the
commercial. Where's the real stuff? I am informed by
a member of the group, in a voice reminiscent of the
teacher on Peanuts, that you have to start slow and
work your way up. Glory, you will not be my copilot
today.

About 15 minutes into the trip, I've found it very
difficult to catch those "eds" like the rest of the
group, so I just adopt my own game plan. This darn
Dance-Control just won't let me do anything. I
try to turn and it won't. I try to stop and it won't.
That's it. It must be the wrong boat for me. Time to
shop.

I go back to the infant and he sells me a Wivesport
Instantgratification. This boat was designed for the
egocentric who doesn't care to learn how to control a
boat, read water, or perfect form. It is just what I
want, I think.

"Does it run waterfalls?" I ask.
"Technically yes, but it is not recommended by the
manufacturer."
"Good enough. I heard you say 'yes.'"

Back to the water. This boat is great! I can do
bowstalls, squirt, and ender it. I still can't roll,
understand what is going on in a hole, or catch eddies,
but I can really lay the swat down! While I am out
there getting down with it, I see some guy doing
cartwheels and I decide to give it a try. This darn
boat just will NOT do what I want. The guy, who's says
he's been boating for 15 years, makes it look so easy
and insists I keep trying. I ignore him--clearly his
natural ability clouds his vision. I know that if I
can't get it on the first attempt, the boat is wrong
for me. Clearly I will not ascend to glory in this 15
minute-old heap of poly-something-or-other.

Back to the store. This time, I pick up a Dogger Mr.
Noabilityrequired and head back to the chutes. This
boat is EXACTLY what I want. I can do everything I
could before PLUS throw effortless cartwheels
indefinitely. So what if I'm 100 lbs. over the weight
limit and I have a hard time getting my rather big
bottom in and out of the little c*ckpit. I look good!
Now people are starting notice me, particularly the
opposite s*x. Life is good.

I go on the message board to tell everybody my latest
move every hour or so. I've now been boating for 3
days and feel it's time to expand my goals. It's time
to start helping others. With my wealth of knowledge,
and experience to back it up, it only seems logical to
lead others out of the dark. I advise people on any
subject posted on the board, since I know everything,
and pretty soon people are emailing me to ask me if I
would take them on other runs. It's good to be such a
great leader-boater.

I find other boards to lecture on, including
wreck,boats,paddle and Northeastern Paddlers'
Concordia. There I find dozens of people who were
helpless until I show up. I like to give them a few
words of advice to help, in the spirit of making myself
look better. Some call it plagiarism, but just because
Korran Addissun made the same point on his website
doesn't mean I took it. He and I are both well-versed
on the topics we speak about. There are some who say I
run my mouth too much, but I just let my perpetual
class II students take up the fight for me and lecture
on my abilities on the various boards. Don't mess with
me, Jack, I've got friends.

Now I've picked up a second boat, the somewhat
"advanced" Persaption Don't-even-think-about-running-
this-boat-on-a-river-it-is-meant-to-be-used-for-rodeo.
It is a bit more radical than some boats I have
paddled, but I think it is a wise choice as my first
descent boat. It will also serve well as my rescue
platform when I lead others on their first runs. I
can't keep both ends out of the water at one time, so
it lends itself to "scooping" up swimmers. I
understand that it chocks so well in between rocks that
climbers even carry a few on their climbing racks.
Ah, to be the thoughtless, er THOUGHTFUL, leader.

The whole time I've been boating, I have never ceased
to learn and try new things. I ran the Lower Golly
with a group from w,b,p. I was elected to lead the
group. They all did great--of the 12 swims I had,
one in each of the major rapids, they were fearlessly
endangering themselves to save me and my gear. I did,
however, manage to lose one of the designer booties I
was wearing. I was sad for a while, but it gave me a
good excuse to go buy more.

Have you seen my Jammy stick? I lost it on a low water
run of the North Fork of the What-in-the-heck-are-you-
doing-on-this River. Please return it to me if you
find it--it was part of my color-coordinated "winter"
paddling outfit.

My story is one of triumph. Against all odds, I
managed to alienate, endanger, or enrage nearly every
respectable boater I've come into contact with. They
are all envious of my abilities and clearly avoid
me because they know they could never be me. There's
only one of me. But that is not entirely true. In
fact, there are more me-clones appearing. Some are
students of my paddling school, some are just people
who emulate me because no one else will help them
learn. I try to help them all. After all, the world
is a better place since I'm in it.

But now I stand at the side of the river looking at the
gnarliest drop I've seen to date. It has been 4 months
since I first saw the commercial and I see that I am
finally running the wet-dream. At my side are a few of
my students. They are all eager, brainless, meager
boaters. They are what I made them. And as I look, I
wonder if I really want to do this drop. My students
do not hesitate; they fly to their boats and they are
off and running. Nobody knows much about this drop;
the bottom is barely visible and the hole is rather
substantial and violent. Looking over the edge, I
wonder if it was such a good idea to bring them here.
But they are out of my hands now, like hatchlings
leaving the nest. I stand and watch as they collide
with rocks at the bottom, their wannabe boats broken
and sinking. Their life vests lugging them as they
make the swim for shore. No injuries. Yet another
successful graduating class. I am proud. I had a bit
of reservation upon first examination, but now I know
that everybody else is wrong. I do know what I'm
doing. And I climb in my boat and shove off from
shore. My skirt isn't quite all the way on, but it
won't quell my descent to glory. I'll send you all
a postcard from Oblivion.




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