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Dollar Boyz, by Doug Ammons

NEWS RELEASE!! MEGA-INTERVIEW!!

Here we are, ACCURACY-IN-LABELING CENTRAL - your channel for your news! Today our reporter Harshly Jiving has something very special for you all - an exclusive interview with the World Reknown dollarBOYZ: Erratic Jackson, Konehead Raddison, and Dan the Scam, making the case for their new World Kayak Federation:

REPORTER: "Hey hey hey - and Shakka Dude to Everyone Out There in KayakLand! I'm your host, Harshly Jiving, and today I'm here with three self-proclaimed revolutionaries of the sport of kayaking, also known as the dollarBOYZ. So guys, come on and tell us why people should become members of the WKF."

ERRATIC: "Well Harshly, it's really good to be here today on the show and I'm proud to say the paddlers of the world have a friend in the WKF."

REPORTER: "Erratic, that's great to hear! Konehead, you look like you've got something to add..."

KONEHEAD: "The WKF has a dream we want to share with everybody to help paddlers, you know, spend their money wisely."

REPORTER: "Gee, that sounds great!"

ERRATIC: (solemnly) "It is, Harshly, it is. The WKF is all about having people recognize we deserve the life we've played so hard to get."

REPORTER: "Uh, you mean...?"

ERRATIC: "Look, fish can fend for themselves, but panhandling takes special talent."

REPORTER: "Uh, okay. But what about river conservation, Dan? Doesn't the WKF support river conservation?"

DAN THE SCAM: "Sure Harshly, it's dear to our hearts! Besides, when you're selling something, you gotta say whatever it takes."

REPORTER: "You do?"

DAN THE SCAM: "First Rule of Scam."

ERRATIC: (breaks in) "Life's wonderful!" (slaps the reporter good naturedly on the back) "But enough small talk! We're really helping the AWA. How? It's elementary: Bucks for Extreme races means GREAT river conservation."

REPORTER: (confused) "Uh, I guess I don't follow."

ERRATIC: (asserts with conviction) "Our Great New Certification and Training means great profits. Plus free advertizing hype."

REPORTER: "Well, uh..."

ERRATIC: (voice rises with overpowering certainty) "It's Simple! Mega Extreme Races with big cash prizes are the best of all possible worlds for paddling!"

DAN THE SCAM: (eagerly) "Ditto, ditto for me!"

REPORTER: "That seems a little, well..., far fetched, don't you think?"

ERRATIC: "Of course not! People will flock to us as natural leaders!"

REPORTER: "Uh, okay. So, anyway guys, how did you come to chose the name of the World Kayak Federation?"

DAN THE SCAM: "Well, actually I suggested 'Gravy Boat'."

ERRATIC: (passionately) "It was a natural. We're the best of the Best! We've been everywhere, done that and more."

KONEHEAD: "We're what everyone wants to be - alpha gurus with 'Tude."

DAN THE SCAM: (eagerly nodding his head) "It's true, it's true!"

ERRATIC: "I was going use 'Paddling Masters of the Universe', but World Kayak Federation was more modest."

KONEHEAD: "Yeah, it's cool to be humble."

DAN THE SCAM: "Plus, it makes us sound legit."

REPORTER: "Uh, I suppose it is a nice sounding name."

DAN THE SCAM: "Sure! Sounds like we're helpin' everyone else."

REPORTER: "Uh, you're not?"

DAN THE SCAM: "Gotta pick the right bait. Second Rule of Scam."

REPORTER: "Uh, right. So, each of you must each have big plans for the immediate future-"

DAN THE SCAM: (sees an opening and eagerly breaks in) "I've got seven new videos out this month!"

REPORTER: (astounded) "Wow! Could you clue us in?"

DAN THE SCAM: "Well, it's more of the same - 'Raging cartwheels', etc, etc. I gotta re-tweak the image, you know. It's a bummer having all those shots out there of me in Prijons when I'm Mr.Wavesport now."

REPORTER: "Uh, right. Say, Dan, who's next after Wavesport?"

DAN THE SCAM: (brightly) "Hey, live for the moment. Third Rule of Scam."

REPORTER: "Uh, okay. So, Konehead, you're infamous for your in-your-face individuality, what should the paddling world look for from you?"

KONEHEAD: "I just signed a contract with K-Mart to sell Furies."

REPORTER: "What? Blue light specials on Furies?"

KONEHEAD: "It's just a sales pitch, man."

REPORTER: "But K-Mart Shoppers...?"

KONEHEAD: "The Tribe is going to grow."

ERRATIC: (excitedly) "Gobs of people buying boats from K-Mart means dollars in the sport to spread to my extreme buds and me--"

KONEHEAD: (annoyed) "Hey, it's my contract!"

ERRATIC: (ignoring him) "-and that's great for paddling. We can do what we want and not slave for money. I can feel it happening, the time is right..."

DAN THE SCAM: "Gotta jerk the handle when the pump is primed."

REPORTER: "Say what?"

DAN THE SCAM: "Fourth Rule of Scam."

REPORTER: "Uh,... But what happened to the AWA and river conservation?"

ERRATIC: (with a flourish) "Hey, what's good for the WKF is good for the AWA! River conservation, Money and Easy Street. It's not so much to ask. Pay us to play. Sit back and watch The Best. We've boated the Galaxy, and should be paid to do it again. Besides, it's fun being cool!"

DAN THE SCAM: (eagerly) "Ditto, ditto for me!"

REPORTER: "Uh, right. Well folks, now you've heard all about the new WKF and I'm sure you're as excited as I am about it! So this is your host, Harshly Jiving, signing off from Accuracy-in-Labeling Central. But come back next week for another great show because we've got Jam Zwizzlestick coming in to tell us why all the Wavesport boats look like a kid chopped them out of a block of wood. Till then, laaaaater Dudes!"

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