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License/Fee Superhero:Year 2050 by Rob Gibbert
Originally poisted on Paddlewise
Our fictional superhero *Payola* began his saturday like everyother he
endured in his modern outdoor lifestyle. He would rise before dawn,
insert
his govt issued caffeine meter card into the coffee pot and receive his
daily
caffeine ration of 200 mg's of caffeinated coffee. Several years before
a
govt committee determined that coffee was not suitable for human
consumption
with caffeinated doses over 200mg pp pd. The hot link on the back of
the pot
sped the report back to DC to augmnent his file. Payola dressed, loaded
his
govt issued PP (Personal Paddlecraft) onto his hovercraft roof rack,
from the
govt monitored wharehouse behind his apt building. He gave his friend
Payee,
the govt agent in charge of the wharehouse, his Outdoor Activity Card
(OAC)
which Payee fed into the card reader and approved his checkout. Payee
didn't
even bother to look for the PFD (Personal Floatation Device), HPUSOR's
(Hurricane Proof Unsinkable OutRiggers) or the PPRD (Primitive
Paddlecraft
Reentry Device). Payee winked at Payola and said, "I'll ya see at the
pub
tonight and you can buy my GA (Govt Approved) ration of beer tonight."
Payola
waved at Payee as they knew each other well.
Thank the Founding Fathers for paying his bills on time! Last year
Payola got
a little behind, as they said back in the wild antiquity years, and he
almost
got his OAC and PP privilages yanked. Payola's car linked with the
Modern
Roads Network (MRN) and he chose an altitude to hover on for the
duration of
his trip to the put in. As he reached the MRN launch point he fed his
CRP
(civilian road passport), TV (toll vi$a) and IP (Insurance Provider)
into the
card reader. Fees and identity accepted he zipped off into the MRN to
the
shoreline.
Payola arrived at the beach and unloaded his PP onto the grass with a
satisfying wonk and walked over to the BCAPC (Boaters Competency
Assurance
Pay Center) and with his OAC fed into the BCAPC a folding arm on the
side of
the BCAPC activated. The arm illuminated at its tip, stretched over his
PP
probing and analyzing its interior. Modeled precisely on a *kayak* a
name
given to a PP long ago by the inuit people, Payola's PP didn't quite
fit the
parameters of the BCAPC. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP, cried the BCAPC. Bummer,
cried
Payola!
Payola, stood by his PP or *kayak,* while a govt agent walked from his
post
in the harbor master's office and brought out his GPPBPP(Good Personal
Paddlecraft-Bad Personal PaddleCraft) book. It had been done so many
times
before, the agent looked in and around the *kayak* while Payola idled
his
saturday on the beach as the various agents and ministers tried to
understand
his fascination with actually wanting his PP to be tested on such a
fine day.
Why couldn't he take a AHC (Acqueous HoverCraft) today?
Scamlon, the agent, fed his VAC (Variance Approval Card) into the BCAPC
and
Payola inserted his AIFRV (Agent Interaction Fee Reimbursement Card)
card
right after. Payola didn't worry too much about the cost. After all,
his 2
week long summer OAC Training Camp was fun, his skills fresh, he was
not
married and had a pretty good job working for one of the last private
firms
in the whole nation!
With the BCAPC wand positioned for an area around the shorline to view
his
skills demo for the anonymous DR's (Data Readers) back in DC. Payola
did the
whole regimen, Forward Stroke, Rear Stroke, Low and High Braces and the
one
that got every DR in DC backtracking the data again and again, the
*full
immersion roll and recovery.* (Formerly called the Eskimo Roll, a
successful
group of UK PP's lobbied the US DR's and said they probably invented
it, but
if they didn't they were close, within a few thousand years anyway, and
it
should be described for what it is and not for who really invented the
maneuver). Payola landed again, beached his PP, wiped the AIFRV free of
H20
and fed that into the card reader again for the extended time to
process his
skills info. The BCAPC flashed green and Payola parked his hovercraft
into a
preassigned stall determined by an appointment he made 30 days ago, but
not
before 29.5 days ago and fed that temporary permit into BCAPC.
Finally, at 5:30 PM Payola relaunched his PP from the beach to enjoy
the
sundown. Payola was sure glad to finally be on the water for that
glorious
sundown, wondering how it could ever be this good. Recounting the days
events
he only had 2 hits on his AIFRV, 2 hits on his OAC and 3 more on his
BCAPC. A
week's pay for a once a month privelage was darn good bargaining to
this PW's
(Primitive Wannabe) reckoning.
(Last paragraph, I promise) The water was glorious, not a ripple in
sight, as
only the benignest of conditions were approved to be PP'd in. As the
sun set
lower and his 50th minute on the water turned to the 51st, Payola
started for
the takeout. He couldn't afford an overtime hit on both the BCAPC and
the
AIFRV not to mention the dreaded GAOTPBCPPM (Govt Agent Over Time Payee
Bonanza Confiscatory Penalty and Punishment Machine). Why that could be
a
week's pay right there. Reflecting on the day he was still glad, just
so glad
that he was safe. So many PP pioneers before Payola got scared, hurt,
even
killed to keep alive the grand tradition of PP. As his PP crunched
safely
ashore he saw the BCAPC register his presence and satisfactorily click
off on
his 59th minute. He turned, yes he did, with a little mist in his eye
toward
the setting sun, and I think it's because of the great progress made in
society today, no longer in the clutches of *extreme* this or that
sports,
but a concerted effort at regulated, govt approved safety! To put it
the way
the late Senator Conner Tiss Beemee put it, *if the most disgustingly
stupid
among us is unsafe in any type of PP why...
haaaack-coooouugh-spiit-haaaah-huuummm... s'cuse me! ...ya, we will
make sure
industry, PP athletes and appropriate govt agencies involved in the
oversight
of the OAC tradition and their affiliates and approved subsidiaries can
put a
stop to that crap! So, high on his monthly GA privelage on the water,
Payola
hovered home slowly with his PP racked above, bypassing the pub,
thinking
he'll just savor the fleeting moments on the water and catch up with
Payee
later.
Sorry 'bout that!
Rob G
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