Please read the Legal Disclaimer.
The Tale of Prudy Kawsus: Safety Czar
Prudy Kawsus enjoys her time paddling the inland waters of the Pacific
Northwest almost as much as she does her career as Safety Coordinator
for the
influential lobbying group Kruk, Reiver, Bezler and Grafft. She has
successfully merged her dual passions of watersports and safety
advocacy
since a traumatic childhood incident where she was bitten by a snake
she
assisted across a river. From then on Prudy played it safe.
While dining on take out Chinese food in her office one evening she
caught a
frenzy emerging on the television set she kept on low in the
background. A
missing girl, Andrea, was out rowing her dory in a neighborhood pond.
Only
the dory was recovered. The media gobs, so known for their facial
icing,
resinous hair and Storm Watch clothing circulated wildly around the
scene for
any hint of blood in the water. There was none, only an empty dory
hauled out
on the beach. The police searched for clues while the media gobs
provoked new
angles on the assumed tragedy. Would greater regulation have prevented
this
accident, they mused?
Prudy shelved her evening project and immediately began pecking away at
the
proposed safety regs she had been working on in her spare time. These
regs
concerned the regulation of all paddlesports in the state. Perhaps the
time
was now right to work with legislators and promote greater safety
requirements for all involved in paddling. Contacting influential
legislators
she proposed a demonstration of gear and required skills mandated for
paddling along any public waterways in the state.
The media gobs, alerted by Senator Helmut Doffur, of the Safety
Oversight
Committee for the Department of Natural Resources, descended on Prudy's
demonstration. In front of cameras and microphones Prudy discussed the
benefits of her wetsuit and paddler's dry top. She then donned her
spray
skirt, PFD, water wings and inflatable collar, most commonly seen on
dozing
airline passengers. Walking over to her kayak on the beach she
explained the
gear lying by its side. There were the usual: safety flares, mirrors,
and
float bags, a cellular phone, VHF radio stuffed in a dry bag and a new
waterproof bullhorn was mounted on the deck. All the spaces within the
kayak
were to be entirely filled with closed cell foam to make it unsinkable.
"I thought kayakers often spent nights out on islands or remote
coastlines?"
asked reporter, miss Bunny Clevis. "They would have, but it's dangerous
and
shouldn't be legal," concluded Prudy to the strangely painted reporter.
"How
would that have prevented last week's near tragedy", replied Bunny.
"Near
tragedy?" asked Prudy. "They found Andrea at her friends house eating
ice
cream and watching Jackass reruns. Apparently her mom missed the note
she
left in her room." "Well, it wouldn't have, but others get hurt or
killed in
kayaks and we think it's sensible to add minor precautions. Many in our
sport
have been clamoring for this for years", concluded Prudy.
Prudy went on with her demo. "I added outriggers to both sides of the
kayak
she explained. Furthermore, as a backup I permanently installed these
outside
mounted safety sponsons. My paddle is coated in ½ inch thick closed
cell foam
in case you bump your head," she laughed. "You'd be surprised!" The
cameras
whirled and clicked, the microphone booms dropped lower. "My Piece de
Resistance, she cackled, "A clear lexan modified dive bell." The crowd
howled
as she donned the plastic bubble around her head and sealed it about
her neck
and shoulders. She thought she was progressive, everyone else thought
she
looked like a refugee from a fish tank."To make it suitable for
kayaking I
added a purge valve and a small air cartridge activated by this pull
tab.
It's good for 5 minutes below, at least," she said, barely audible from
poor
sound penetration of the dive bell. Prudy Kawsus, self appointed Safety
Czar
and now inner space explorer look alike, dragged her boat to the beach
waving
to the media gob chase boat.
She launched her kayak and was surprised to see containment booms
parallel to
the beach. "They don't cost much and they keep the free spirited types
within
50 meters of the shore", spoke Senator Doffur. "How do they enable
other
watercraft into this beach?" Asked Bunny. "Every half mile or so a
floating
dock will house a lifeguard who will lift the line for any boat heading
in."
"Wouldn't that be expensive?" "They can just close the sections down
not
funded. It'll congregate the paddlers into popular areas, which will
help
them pair up more wisely. They should have listened before, but now
they have
to", he said as the boat cruised slowly behind the now bewildered
paddler.
Prudy felt unsure about this addition and insecure that events were
slipping
out of control.
The media gobs loves a good fight. After Prudy's demo, Bunny
interviewed a
noted kayak designer and retailer in the city. "What are your thoughts
on the
matter of safety Mr. Carliss?" "I liked the dive bell," he replied
curtly
with his arms crossed about his chest. "No really, Mr. Carliss?" "What
ever
happened to personal responsibility," he yelled out. "It doesn't fit
the
profile of the story." "Nor did that girl turning up at her friends
house
watching Jackass!" He sneered. "No, your right, sir, that didn't either
so we
decided not to run with it." At 6PM Mr.Carliss was portrayed as a
cranky
traditionalist clinging to a failed ideology and attacking the media
for
"that girl", alluding to last weeks tragedy, though most of the viewers
did
not know "that girl" was just fine, though grounded at home.
Prudy paddled again, though she couldn't get comfortable in the dive
bell.
The water wings chafed her arms and the foam covered paddle dragged
slowly
and often struck the outriggers. The collar made her feel like a
whiplash
victim. She felt betrayed by the containment booms and thought how the
whole
thing got away from her. She wanted a snack but nowhere in the 17 foot
kayak
would a snack bag fit because of the foam. She was miserable and wanted
to
give the whole proposed regs up. Senator Helmut Doffur was of no use
anymore.
A firm safety zealot, he said to her: "Prudy, this thing is bigger than
you,
it's about the people and the elimination of risk. You started it!"
Prudy was lonely and miserable. Her friends abandoned her and she
couldn't
get a date anymore. After the law was passed she found paddling to be
unenjoyable and no one would buy her kayak as everyone else thought so,
too.
Senator Helmut Doffur thought she weenied out on the final days of the
legislative battle. He complained to the boys back at Kruk, Reiver,
Bezler
and Grafft who promptly fired her. "Can't have too many independent
types,"
they said. In 2002, independence, personal responsibility and now
kayaking
were doomed to obscurity. Prudy Kawsus wept as she had apparently been
bitten
by the second snake in her life on the water.
Rob G
PaddleWise Paddling Mailing List - Any opinions or suggestions expressed
here are solely those of the writer(s). You must assume the entire
responsibility for reliance upon them. All postings copyright the author.
Submissions: PaddleWise@PaddleWise.net
Subscriptions: PaddleWise-request@PaddleWise.net
Website: http://www.paddlewise.net/
Return to previous page