TWO MODEST PROPOSALS FOR THE FUTURE OF KAYAKING
By
The OraKle of Shred
and
The Old Man of the Deep Water
The First Modest Proposal
Fellow shredders, it's been clear over the past few years that kayaking needs to do SOMETHING about its image, and i KNOW what this should be. Last year i saw a lame story about a pretend whitewater amusement park, but it's NOJOKE, 'cause this IS the awesome future of kayaking.
Everybody's got to realize that the WHOLE purpose of kayaking is for rad duDes to do tricks in playholes, pile off waterfalls together, and stomp gnarly runs to rocKin' music. i CAN'T BELIEVE that everyone has wasted a lot of time worrying about things like dams and pollution. You just gotta look at the problemo the right way! Dudes - thank the new rodeomen for settin' things straight and let's go mainstreamin'!
You gotta check out this change. Money is going to POUR in when everyone realizes that kayaking isn't about nature or BORing personal challenges, but about being RADIKULL. Everybody knows the river's a cuhl place to hang - coppin' power poses and chillin' with the duDes, bein' hot with a MohaWK and gargoyLe shades. It's time for paddlers to get with the program tho, cause the whole gig is about other people doing things for us. The paddling companies are coming to US to show their gear - sucKin' up already cause we've got the image and the buying POWER. Lotsaothers'll want to be part of our gig too. Mountain Dew and Ralph Lauren, a coupla us got hit up by Chevy the other day. The bigmoney corps want to look cuhl or enviro-friendly - and they'll be paying us to do our thing! RacerheaDs got corporate sponsorship but they sold out for peanuts and Champion's twistin' them by the gnarlies. It's our turn and we're gonna do it right. Ha! MisSy G's makin 600K a year with a clucKer bike and a dead fish round her neck. The money's there, we just gotta SQUeeZE. This is all about the AmeriKan Dream, rebel spit-in-your-face flat out coOLness.
You probably heard that we're already hitting the Mainstreamin' market. WEGOTPLANS for professional teams, dogfightin' with stiff/hot rivalries like in the NBA - SizZlin' personalities with atTiTtuDe and our own rap music! You can't miss our boats. They're decked out with stickers - Marlboro, Exxon, Noranda, and Timex. A hunK a CASH for each sponZor. We're gonna surf this trend and be miLLionnaires. The best thing is give us your money right off the top so we can show you HOWZIT'SDONE. GetchyuR parents to invest. NIB off the trust fund to help. Think about it: profeZZional teams rippin' the river. EVERYone wants to see it, noone can ever get enoUGH. We'll be weighin' in with heavy/awesome interviews from TheMenWhoDoIt. New shreddin' designs, looks, yarfin' new skills - and most of all - fame and money for the studs who make it possible.
We need sompthin' to set us up. First thing is to make the river do what we want and the Corpse of Engineers has been doing this for a hunDerd years. Get their minds off damming the Pacific ocean and turn them toward making deZsigner controlled playspots by the frickin thousands. All we need is a coupla feet of drop and a few hundred cubic-feet-a-second, anything more is graVy. Fine-morph a plastic ledge to make the dezsired hole or wave, turn on the spigot, and presto! Surf, endo, cartwheel, boof, and squirtin'll be yur FRENZY.
Just between us, you gotta realize that the main deal in Mainstreamin' is that it doesn't have risk. Now don't get me wrong here - we're gonna sell it on the hook that it's mega-risky because that's part a bein' a MAN, but heck, it's just show biz. It's all about tricks and hype. That's the fun. Take a look at the vids we're pumping out, like Paddle FrenZy, Paddle FuRy, Paddle LuSt, Paddle GnaRLy. The sport at its best!
This'll be a new era of paddling. Every rapid on every river is gonna be channelled into a zillion different play spots. Thinka the possiblities. OutRAGEous playgrounds for us to strut our stuff. Why let natchural rivers waste water and gradient when we can make them into something bitchin'? Dam 'em and make them better! Build bleachers around the best places so DA'TRIBE can hang on every slickmove we do. With BIGscreenTV and video playback so everyone can see us again and aGain - cheerin' or gawkin' with envy.
There are other things comin' tooo. Like, pretty soon we'll soon be able to get the whole raddikal paddikal experience indoors with a pool and a pump. Think of it! No rain, no wind, no chill. We can be EXtREME in comfort!
And what a place to hang! Studs and Babes, Dudes and Dudettes doin' their thINGs. Nose- and cheek- and butt- and belly-buttoned beRINGED and HONED. SleEEk and goldpainted, strokin' our ships, smokin Camels and looking buff and ripped.
The name? It'll be called "The Place". We'll just say we're "There." Is that biff or what?
There's more! We'll be ready to betacam any radiKal happening moment that happens by. With an IMAX viewin room so that the best moves can be watched along with aWesomely rocKin' musiK and VIRTUAL REALITY waiting for the next FURY-ous dude/ETTE.
The biggest draw is gonna be the deZsigner playspots. It's what's missin from NATCHural rivers. We'll make up for Nature's being lame, and fix things the way God shoulda done in the first place, if he'd only been ONTHEBALL. Awesome playholes with PERFECT eddies and a SPIGOT. In town, on the GAUL', Grand Canyon, on Havasu Creek in front of the babes - everywhere.
This is MAJOR MOTION waaaay beYOND whitewater Mainstreamin'. The Place'll have climbing walls, and skateboard/snowboard/street luge/bungie jumping. We'll add any NU sport that TRU DUDEs DU. It'll be the "MaLL for aLL RadikaLL". And, for the 'Net Surfin' crowd, Sssssssmokin' hot Pentium 400X - 2000MHZ maCHines will be up and onlinin' into "extreme.radikul.there" so that each new move can be sent out for millions of fans 'round the world to download and be blown away by.
The ball's gonna KEEPONROLLIN'. ESPN is gonna see that their "Extreme Games" are passay, the "X games" are SUCKAGE, and give shitloads of money to these centers. Owners are gonna make megabucks (hint! hint!). The amaZing athletik moves that push back The Edge'll be packaged in ESPN's new show, the "FrenZieD X-FoKKin' gaMes". A new episode'll be shown each evening with MTV heavy tunes. Yeah!
Sign wid us! We'regonnabe everywhere! We're gonna grab the money for races too - slapfunkin' and jammin' down waterfalls and GNARLrapids with BIG bucks for the winners and YOU could be one of 'em!
Hollywood's gonna show. Brad Pitt'll play a FURY-ious in-your-face dude of mythical proportions, a cool loner paddler type who doesn't GIVEASHIT but is followed around by a HORDE of photographers and hot babes. The Smashin' SquasheS musiK will be hammering, slammin', jammin' and rocKin' The Place, pumped directly into the water so the arena is VIBED.
And fellow raDs, you gotta keep it all in PERSPECTIVE and remember - it's our duty to diss the old bearded men who started the sport. Do everything you can to wRithE them. Piss in the river and trash it. At the put in, play Spurt of Slime at 200db and grind your cig butts into their windshields. We're FOREVER YOUNG and they're reekin' with envy. Remind them they're gonna be EXTINCT like so many brontosauruses. It's NOLOSS. All they ever did was yak about acid runoff, savin' trees, and rivers that no real duDes paddled anyway. Enviromentalists? They're a bunch of lame whiners who can't SHRED.
The Place is movin'. We're already rocKin'. The next step is happenin' - a new 'Net 'Zine of the raddest 'n baddest. DazZlin! Give us your applauZe! You'll crave for everything we do. You know you won't be able to help yourself. We'll show what the sport can be! Are you eXcited? ThriLLed? i KNEW you would be.
Forget about pollution and dams. Stop your bummin'. The opportunities of Mainstreamin' are limitless! Jump on the wagon! Dam the rivers and get our HOT spots! The 'dozers are crankin' and the dammers will make sure we're going to get the water and the head. Cubic feet and drop! MaJor stuntS. Who needs free flowing rivers? They're WASTEWATER. We'll build enough great playspots to keep the largest crowd of shredDers JIVIN' and everybody else besides. Our motto is "More of everything, Now!"
Signed,
The OraKle of ShRed
Aeration Way
Waterfall, USA
Another Modest Proposal
Fellow boatmen, it has been obvious for some time that kayaking is going to hell in a handbasket. There is controversy about what the future of our sport should be, led by so-called "rad dudes" who want to charge forward and not worry about the fate of our rivers. We need to eddy out and think about where things are going.
First, it is clear that the purpose of kayaking is to respect and enjoy the water, and that people seek personal challenges, beauty, or fun in different ways. Regardless of the choice though, one thing is true: we all must treat rivers with care because if they are not healthy our sport can't exist.
After consideration, I'm sure you'll agree that money is the evil which is stalking our sport. If you think back to when kayaking had no money in it, life was simple. When there was no glitzy advertising or sponsorship no one tried to milk other people for publicity, and there were no offensive advertisements goading us into new fads. Paddlers didn't hire publicity agents to tell the world how great they were. It was an age of innocent bliss and pure challenge.
But now comes the Age of Glitz where money and social reward bring egotism to the fore. Hype gives egos a podium on which to posture and play to a crowd that in Bygone Times would never be found on the river. Bliss is no longer innocent - but a marketing strategy for selling boats and personalities. Challenge is no longer pure - but massaged to be sold in the latest "radical" video. Friends, our pristine rivers are turning into moral muckholes!
So I say, commercialization is the ruin of kayaking and we must remove it and its Evil Twin, competition. The cure is drastic, but necessary. It is time to stop saying "tut tut" and looking down our noses at these transgressions of good taste and decorum. There is a proper way to kayak and an improper way, and we must pass our judgment.
That judgment is easy to make. There is a ghastly proposal to fulfill our desires by manhandling rivers. It says we should take river evolution into our own hands and shape playspots in every rapid on every river, making the river better than Geology or the Hand of God can! But these suggestions prostitute the river for the pleasures of the kayaker. It is clear that these people are proposing Houses of Whitewater Ill-Repute. River bordellos, if you will.
The proposal hides the truth of what is greater: man's desire for pleasure and money, or his respect for Nature. A dam builder who puts a river into a pipe wants the money his water power will bring. The industrialist who pours poisons into the water wants his profits and no responsibilities for what he pollutes. We can't allow kayakers to become the rapists of their own rivers.
In the past paddlers were different because we sought out the river for its own sake, on its terms and not ours. We went to find its challenge and peace, not to shred it. There's now a widespread movement to cater to the Young and Obnoxious, where pure pleasure is served up with a jaunty sneer - as if the river has no other use than as a vibrator for our pleasure centers, and that it's cool to tell people they are assholes.
What is wrong with this? The shredder dude demands Nature give him everything while he takes no responsibility for protecting her. A spade must be called a spade: the OraKle of ShRed and his ilk's proposal of kayaking amusement parks is nothing more than the dam builder posing as kayaker. The industrial polluter and river rapist posing as paddler.
What needs to be done is clear. Instead of changing rivers to our whims, we must eliminate all of man's interference with Nature!
Think about what must be done. For the last 20 years we have accepted mass produced plastic boats - but if you've ever used a glass boat you know that tupperware lets people ignore their impact on the river. Instead of being precise, they ram rocks and grind over obstacles. They don't paddle down a river, they trash down it. The corollary is: Treating their boats this way, they come to treat the river the same.
Also, the manufacture of these kayaks is polluting from start to finish. We cannot care for Nature when we ourselves pollute her in such ways. For these reasons, it's clear the use of plastic boats is harmful and hypocritical.
So the real solution is to turn back the clock. The only question is, how far? Paddlers, face your sins and bite the bullet. Look in the mirror and eliminate the pollution that YOU contribute to the river! The first step is simple and must be: ban all plastic kayaks. The only vessels allowed on the river should be made of brittle S-glass like the kayaks we used to make in our garages, so if people wish to paddle they will have to painstakingly manufacture their own flawed, leaking, and brittle boats. Then each rock in the river will come to be treated with reverence because otherwise, it will sink you. Thus people will be forced to paddle in a careful balance between the river's power and their skill.
This is an honest start, but it's not enough. Some of you won't like the further proposals, but that's tough. To be consistent, we must realize that we defile the water and the air in other ways that we take for granted. A perfect example: vehicals with bad gas mileage that pour exhaust into the air while we drive to the river! Horrific oil spills and gluttonous gas guzzling are vile results of this hypocrisy! Contributing to such things is a lie. Thus, anybody who has a motorhome, truck, or sport utility vehical that gets less than 30mpg must be considered a River Killer. A Rapist of the Air.
There's more to own up to. Some paddlers pound their chests about their whitewater feats. These poor souls delude themelves by thinking they are challenging Nature In The Raw, when the reality is that kayaks and all our gear separate us from the river's power, they protect and shield us. How can we call ourselves adventurers? How can we pat ourselves on the back for so-called exploits? The fact is we are wimps not to face the river directly and anyone who thinks differently is a dishonest fraud!
These things add up to one simple conclusion: ALL kayaks be banned! In the end if we're honest, we must go naked in the rivers of the world like Adam and Eve. We must put ourselves at the bare mercy of the water. Our bond with the river should be a Pure Thing, based on Moral Principle and True Consequences.
We must always remain vigilant because people will cut corners to avoid the Truth. Consider the climbers who brag about doing harder and harder climbs, but use rubber shoes that stick ten times better to the rock than the soles of their predecessors. Changes like that destroy true challenge. So what if you can climb a route because your shoes stick so much better? And similarly in our own sport, so what if you can paddle a rapid because your boat makes it a grade, or two grades easier? So what if you can do a run because your boat can stand a trashing on the rocks? So what if you can do a cartwheel because the boat is built to make it easy? People are deluding themselves! Those who think they are "cutting edge," are really cheating by making things easy! They cheapen and dumb down everything! They aren't radical, they're gutless!
And note, even after kayaks are banned, this gutless undercurrent will remain. People will want to use fins, special suits, air tanks, blowup dolls - anything that makes dealing with the river easier. This is the weakness in human character that innovation caters to. Thus, for the Sake of Rivers, we must pass one final judgment. All innovations which make things easier should be against the law. Nothing should be easier. Everything we do must be harder, so that we know the true worth of our experience.
It will be a long, hard road against the hedonistic people in our culture, but we cannot let them change our rivers, because the true purpose of paddling is to change ourselves! The Truth is the planet must be beyond the reach of intemperate men.
Anyone who argues for rad-duding, changing the riverbed, or savagingTM the river should be wrapped in 8-ply S-glass and soaked in epoxy in an old Prijon Mark IV mold. When stiffened, they should be cast off Niagara Falls with the mantra, "Go and ye shall Shred in Hell, thou Heathen!"
Let us fight those who care only for themselves and their pleasures. To those who want no-fault, no-risk life, we say, for God's sake man, life is risk! Life is pain. But pain is fun! Let's go back to a time when the sport was young, when someone who was "radical" was a communist, and men were men and not dudes!
Shred the money and money-grubbers! Burn the bulldozers. Hang the polluters. Bring our dead rivers back to life and hold the living in sanctity. Let me hear you sing Hallaleuya! Our motto is "I want less than nothing, Now!"
Fellow mariners, the future is in the past!
Signed,
The Old Man of the Deep Water
Clear Current
Big Eddy, USA