The Future of Rodeo Boat Design As We See It

So late one afternoon me and my buddy Goober found ourselves all alone at Flipper on the Ocoee. Scarce is the day you can play in Flipper and not have to scrabble with at least two dozen other boaters, not to mention those long strings of screaming joy-riders in rafts passing through. So, with nothing but prime time on our hands, we figured we'd practice our rodeo moves, and goodness knows we needed the practice. Goober paddled up into the drop, did an upstream flip in the hole and followed that with an upside down river spew stern squirt out of the froth. He rolled up with his redglittercakebell a bit catawampus, and grinned like a possum passing persimmon seeds as he pressed his pointing finger over one nostril and blew a misty confection of river water and snot (and probably Mountain Dew) out the other one. I gave him a hardy thumbs up, since after all, it was a linked move. About that time a swarthy van pulled up on the shoulder of the road above us. It had a strange emblem that I didn't know painted on its side, although it did favor the tattoo on a lady raft guide's leg I'd been coveting earlier during the day. Thinking that we might soon be in another whitewater video, we began hacking out some of our best stuff (nope, we haven't been in any of those new whitewater videos, but we have graced many a tourist's home video when they struck our pictures from the roadside both here and up on the Little River in Tennessee). Hey, it's a start! Anyway, three guys began to unload something from their van and looked around real suspicious like as they did, although they didn't seem too concerned about us for some reason. They worked their way down the bank to the edge of the pool up above Flipper and had this . . . well, contraption with them. We were satisfied that it was a kayak of some description, although me and Goober had never seen the likes of it before. It was mostly round and seemed to be made up of two parts. Two of the guys helped their buddy into the thing and then closed it up. He looked kindly like the "Pillsbury Dough Boy" as best I can describe. His arms stuck out through these two dents on the sides and his partners stuck a pair of those paddle-flipper-dipper things onto his hands (you know those things some people put on their hands and then call themselves handpaddling and the dang things are as big as a paddle blade anyway). Well, we'd been there long enough to figure out just what was going on: We were witnessing PROTOTYPE! And we'd also figured out just why they'd chosen Flipper for their sneaky research: Heck, Hell Hole is still crowded with trolls like pigs at the trough well up until dark if the water's still on, and it was. Plus, I'd heard that a couple of the big boat manufacturers done'en owned research rights there anyway, but that's probably just talk.

Anyway, it was practically dusky-dark when they finally shoved him out in the pool above Flipper. He slowly paddled that thing over the drop but didn't quite snag the hole and bounced out. Like tugs, his cohorts caught him and pushed him back into the pourover. Now I don't know much about boat design (I feel right trifling when Addison, Scarboro, or Snyder start talking that stuff), but even I could see that this thing didn't have one iota of hull speed! Goober made the comment that he'd hate to paddle that thing down a serious river, and he must have made his comment too loud because one of them sassed back that the only known successful descents of Niagara Falls and Tiger's Leap Gorge was in boats more akin to their prototype than our kayaks. Well, he had us on that one ( I told Goober to run anymore comments that he might have past me first). Anyway, that boy was now in Flipper and commenced to slowly cartwheel as he dipped his flippers down into the water in what looked to be a forward stroke. Soon this slow cartwheel went into an absolute whimmydiddle of a spin in that hole. Trying to recover a friendly countenance to this chance meeting (after all, this was the South), I paddled over to his friends and inquired as to just exactly what was going on (although me and Goober already knew). They allowed that this was the prototype of the ultimate cartwheel rodeo boat (and sounded a bit put-out about having to explain the obvious, I might add). They called their boat the Retendo-DoDo. Having just seen a special on the satellite TV about a bird by the same name--the DoDo--and it still fresh in my mind, I quickly made the kinnection between their boat and that extinct, flightless bird called the DoDo. Their boat was, after all, kind of fleshly looking, more round than not, and had these two flipper like limbs. Law, I love it when I've just seen something educational on the TV and then the subject comes up in general conversation and I'm able to expound upon it with the best of them! --But I was mistaken; They explained in hard fashion that their boat had nothing to do with some stupid, flightless bird, and they seemed a bit put-out by my comment. Maybe they thought I meant their new design wouldn't fly, I don't know. They enlarged upon their explanation and went on to say it was actually a play on the word "retendo", as retendo-do-do-do-do . . . ad infinitum. When me and Goober looked a bit taken aback they said that translates to "over and over" (I guess they didn't think me and Goober knew what ad infinitum meant so they had to explain it in a more simpler way). We allowed that at least some of our North Georgia paddling chums would for sure mispronounce do do and not want the boat at all, no matter how fine a design it might be. I suggested Retendo-Ditto might be a better consideration but I don't think they heard me as no acknowledgment was ever made.

The time had kindly gotten away from them while we-all talked and their poor buddy had been cartwheeling in Flipper all the while. He looked a bit peaked when his head passed through the air with each spin, and I think his eyes were bugging a bit. I do know for a fact that his tongue was hanging out because I could see it flopping. One of his buddies--the one with the fancy life jacket on--paddled up to the edge of the hole, clipped a carabiner into a small ring on the DoDo, and pulled him out. That was one slick move, I'm here to tell you, and I'd for sure want that guy on my side in any rescue situation! As we watched, the other one explained that they were still working on this exit part because they weren't sure if the rodeo judges would go for it like it was; them being the fickle lot they are. They pulled their buddy over into the big eddy under the buckeye tree where he immediately fetched up his lunch--looked like it might have been from El Rios, but it was hard to tell. He foundered on too much of a good thing, I reckon. I could have sworn I saw a fish popping at the remains of his lunch as it floated there in the eddy water at Flipper--a fish by whatever miracle spawns one out of old acid spills and siltfloods! Goober paddled over to them and said something about "ad nauseam." I believe he wanted them to know that he was too well read and did know some French phrases (I think he was calling them out for their previous snub, the "ad infinitum" thing).

Well, this was as good a time as any for us to mosey on, since the conversation had died down a bit, not to mention the water at Flipper was fouled. And anyway, it was getting on nigh dark and our car was parked just downstream a piece at Goforth Creek. As we paddled through the flatwater of the Doldrums, me and Goober enlarged upon what we'd just seen and also the fact that so many good rodeo boats are coming out now that it's real hard to make a choice as to which one is best. And, unlike our good friend, Henry Zach, we can't afford to go out and buy each new design as it comes out. Of course Henry Zach's not hitched yet so he has a contrary take compared to ours on exactly what "spending money" is. Anyway, even though we'd just seen the ultimate cartwheel boat, we were careful not to get too excited about it. You see, we've heard rumors that the cartwheel is not necessarily the wave of the future in rodeo moves. The term "flat spin" seems to be dropped about a bit more now. Goober allowed he'd also heard of "splits" and "blunts" and even something called a "shove it" whatever that is ( I really think somebody was making a comment directly at him instead of explaining some rodeo move). Anyway, if we were to go out and get ourselves a DoDo, we'd be spinning head over heels while everyone else was spinning sideways or crossways in a newerstyled boat. I'm sure they'd point at us and laugh, too; silly old farts stuck in the past (kindly like we do now when someone paddles by in a Mirage). Anyhow, we're convinced that sooner or later someone will design the perfect rodeoboat--one that will do it all, and even if our children have to go without shoes--we'll have us one of those. We're also convinced that when this eventually happens, and it will, we'll be able to rodeo same as the best ones--might even pick us up a sponsor or two along the way and be in a real video--because we'll be in the right boat with the controls set on auto-pilot!

. . . but I'll tell you one thing for sure, contrary to those folks at Flipper, I'll have an OFF switch on mine!

Thanking you for your time, I'll be signing off now.

Gomer

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