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LAYING THE SMACKDOWN ON THE BEAVER by Bobby "ZoneDogg" Miller

It had been a crazy summer, the drought had reached epic
proportions and I was driven to paddling dam released water. The Beaver (a
totally dammed up stream) up in New York was having releases during Labor
Day weekend and, with it being a class 5 stream, who was I to turn it
down. Before heading out, I had to stop and make some predictions about
how I wanted my weekend to turn out (if you are not into rambling banter
then skip to the next paragraph). First, I would load the ZoneDogg's
boats onto my buddy Jim Starrett's car. Then, I would ride 7.5 hours to
sleep at the ZoneDogg's campground. I would wake up and check the Beaver's
3 roody-poo candy sections into the SmackDown Hotel, 1,2,3 (and the
ZoneDogg means 1,2,3). Next, I would type a trip report about it for the
millions.... and millions of the ZoneDogg's fans to read. If you
smelllllllllllll, what the ZoneDogg is cookin!
After the dust had cleared from my predictions, I was prepared for
a fine weekend. I had recovered from a harsh shoulder injury from a
mountain bike accident and was ready to go. The drive didn't take too long
with Jim and I joking about the yankees we were going to run into and with
me reciting perverted limericks that date back to my highschool days. We
stopped to eat at some smoky diner near New York. I probably couldn't have
traded that place for a pack of cigarettes down in cell block D-O-Double
G. I have to say though that the stretch of rough road between Adams
Corners and Lowville didn't do p-turkey for Jim's car (I digress). We
pulled into Happy Hollow Campground and vigorously searched for a
campsite. We were going to camp near some rocks with smiley faces painted
on them but decided that there were too many perverts hiding behind them.
We were going to camp in the woods with all the trailers but we decided
that there were too many axe-murderers back there. Finally, we came to a
field and found where our buddy, Bob Bonnet, was camped.
On the way to the putin the next morning, Jim and I discussed the
politics of the upcoming Lowville election and argued different points
about guys with yankee names like Jock, Mannet, and Vickory. Finally, we
came upon the Taylorville section where we were joined by guys with GBCC
names like Blauvelt (Bill), Hamlin (Pat), and Grape (Rich). At the putin,
people were walking downstream but I noticed a cool slide running out from
the dam. I putin near the dam but, before peeling out, I noticed a
strainer blocking most of the slide. I paddled back to the bank and putin
where everyone else was. I started right above a drop into an undercut. I
slid off the bank with such speed that I almost shot clear into the
undercut. Let me tell you, it wouldn't have done p-turkey for me had I
gone under that rock. Next, there was a small slide into a powerful hole.
I went for the meat, subbed out and backendered. Pretty rad! Lots of
people got worked in this hole. The next rapid was a 30 foot cascady slide
that was very similar to Swallow Falls on the Top Yough. It was a fun ride
down the middle but I wanted more excitement so I did rock 360s down it
(the Inazone 220 spins awesome! sorry I had to throw in a plug). One time,
I was lined up for the hole at the bottom so I squirted, went vertical,
threw the bow down, and smashed it hard into the rock shelf that creates
the slide. Let me tell you, that didn't do p-turkey for my feet (ok enough
with the p-turkey thing). After 4 runs down the slide, I was content to
head on. The next drop was a cool rock garden around the right side of an
island. The left side was a cool flume drop of about 10 feet that we
carried up to run. Soon, we came to a cool slide with a hole on the left,
a rock pile in the middle, and a slot on the right. Rich Grape pulled a
nice rescue on some straggler who was stuck in the hole. I went way left
to go for the rock spin but the slide was too shallow. I got the spin but
it took me about a half hour of scraping to get to the rock. Some
people were running the right side slot but a lot were pitoning into a
rock on the left side of the slot. Guys with Colorado names like Starrett
challenged the rock pile in the middle. Guys with Maryland names like
Miller and Bonnet ran the slot on the right (we both avoided the piton
rock by angling right but Bob got kicked into a close up view of the wall
on the right). After some small slides, a 6 foot drop, and a few play
holes, we came to the takeout of this 1.5 mile run. It was definitely more
challenging than anticipated. I heard that it was class 2-3 but there were
some honest 4's in there.
Bob, Jim, and I decided that we wanted to head to the Eagle
section (the meat of the Beaver) while Grape, Bill, and Pat wanted to do
Taylorville again. While I waited for Jim and Bob to hike to the cars, my
buddies, Joe Stumpfel and Chris Skalka, finally caught up with me (they
were supposed to meet at the T-ville putin). We all headed over to the
Eagle. On the way, we crossed another section of the Beaver which had a
pretty big drop in it that I wanted to check out (maybe next time).
The putin was very crowded and the banks were littered with
boaters, some guys I know with names like Muir (Matt the Ratt), Moore
(Mike), and Rohrbaugh (Kurt). The Eagle section is quite a sight and it
drops very steeply. If it were a mile, it would drop 475 feet. However, it
only lasts about 300 yards. It starts off with a dam that is about 20-25
feet high. It begins with a tight slide into a huge curler then makes a 90
degree right hand turn and cascades 15 feet. I wasn't sure what made the
curler so I putin at the turn and ran the cascade. From there, it was 100
yards of class 2 to the start of the slides. The first slide is a 10 foot
cascade banking against a rock wall. The run continues quickly into slide
2 (Eagle Slide) which is a 30 foot cascade in about 50 yards. It is split
by a shelf in the middle that you clearly want to be on the left of. Then,
it banks off the left bank and goes into a stiff hole. The hole snapped
many a neck back and backendered quite a few people as well. The problem
with getting lined up was that there was a curler at the top that was
kicking right. This messed up a lot of people. One guy flipped at the top
and ran the entire slide upsidedown. After a small pool, the river went
over a tight 8 foot drop that was sloping in the middle into a hole and
vertical on the right (both were cool lines). Drop #4, which was preceded
by a long rock garden, was a tricky 6-8 foot ledge into a deep pool. Below
this drop were some rocks on the left which ran the whole way back to the
top of the run, making it not too difficult of a carry. I carried up back
up to make 5 runs of the section and repeatedly laid the smackdown 1,2,3,4
(and the ZoneDogg means 1,2,3,4). Jim and Pat had two nice runs and Rich
Grape drank a can of instant gonads and also had a sweet run (I would even
venture so far as to say that he laid the smackdown). Joe and Chris also
made repeated awesome runs (Joe had some nice subouts at the bottom of
#2, one where he lost his paddle and had to handroll). Bob had a great run
too. Bill decided not to run but did volunteer to shoot the video. When
everyone had had their fill of the Eagle, we headed downstream through
class 2 rapids to the takeout.
We headed back to Happy Hollow and set up camp for the night.
Bill, Pat, and Grape decided to camp elsewhere at the Mosier section
putin. The rest of us headed to Lowville to eat at Papa Joe's (not to be
confused with his evil twin Papa John). The waitress proceded to spill all
of the drinks all over Chris and then spilled some of our food later on.
Except for a small lawsuit, we weren't too hard on the young lady. The
rest of the night we sat around discussing runs and trying to figure out
what drops we were actually talking about. Joe, who we thought was
asleep, jumped in to confuse us further. I must say that my mind got
turned every which way but loose. I crashed around 10:00 and had pleasant
dreams of running the steep rapid near Taylorville that we had driven
over.
The next morning, we headed over to the Mosier section. I had
heard that there was a pretty crazy dam at the putin. It is somewhere
between 75 and 100 feet high and drops this in about 200 yards. It had a
SIK amount of volume raging down the slide and it piled into a HUGE rock
(THE THING) at the bottom which was spewing water straight up in the air.
There was a huge hole on the right so getting far left looked like the
only way to run it. However, as heavy as the drop is, I was unsure about
making it far left. I decided that I would run the river and look at it
again afterwards.
The Mosier section starts out with a cool rapid that is a 15 foot
sheer falls on the left and a slide into a pillowed 5 foot drop on the
right. I hit several schweet rock 360's off the pillow on the right (oh
yesh!). Joe and I also wheeled off the falls on the left. I had a nice
wheel into a mystery move for my first attempt. Then, I bashed my knuckles
into the lip of the falls on my second attempt. It hurt like a biznitch
but I got a schweet wheel and that's all that matters. I decided to run a
third time but launched a niche boof instead of a wheel. Joe also did
several killer wheels and kept wheelin below the drop. Several onlookers
were apparently feeling their oats after watching us and tried the wheel
only to get pummeled in the hole at the bottom.
The next rapid was a slide into a 10 foot falls with a cool boof.
It was followed by several miles of Class 2-4 rapids with some cool
wavewheel waves, some good splatwheel rocks, and a good flatty wave. Soon,
we reached the final rapid of the run which was a 4 part Class 5 rapid.
The first drop was a cool slide that fed into drop #2 which was a large
sloping ledge into a hole that could be skirted on the left. After some
fast moving water, the river piled into a boulder on the left and fell off
a 5 foot drop. After a short pool, there was a slide into a beefy hole.
This was a cool rapid and I aced it both times I ran it. The river was
crowded and boaters pulled out in front of me without looking both times
as I approached the set up eddy for #2. Had this been a highway, there
would have been a major collision. As it was, I just had to make due. I
launched niche boofs off of drop #3 both times. I got pulled into the hole
at #4 for some rodeo action on my second run. I threw 2 ends under control
and then some out of control before washing out. I gave the crowd a wave
before heading on to practice flatwater wheels in the tunnel at the
takeout (cartwheel tunnel syndrome). Several people were injured in this
final drop. One lady got drug over #2 upside down, swam, and got pulled
out of the river by Bill Blauvelt. Nice save Bill! She was delirious and
bleeding in the face. There was another guy lying on the ground at the
takeout bleeding. He got taken away in an ambulance. These injuries are a
testament to how difficult that rapid is.
It was around 2:00 and I knew that they were going to cut the
water back soon. I frantically searched for someone to run me to the dam
so I could run it. Jim loaded my boat and we (Jim, Bob, and I inside with
Joe and Chris hanging on standing on the bumper holding onto the rack)
headed to the dam. The water was a little lower than before but the dam
was still runable. As stated earlier, the spillway was about 75-100 feet
high and about 200 yards long. There were 3 parts to it. The first part
was a 20+ foot waterfall onto rocks that could only be boofed on the far
right. However, the drop in water level had almost dried the boof up so I
started below this. I had Jim hold the stern of my boat while I prepared
to slide in right above the second part of the spillway which was a 15
foot cascade. Jim asked,"Are you sure you want to do this?" I said, "Damn
skippy!", slid off the bank, shot out into the current and over the
cascade. I caught the eddy on the right below and set up for the final
part. The final slide was huge and fast and piled into THE THING at the
bottom. THE THING didn't have quite as much water hitting it but there was
another THING blocking the left side channel that I had intended to run.
However, the hole on the right was not as big as earlier so I decided to
run there. I went screaming down the HUGE slide, got to the right of the
hole, started planing out in the deep water at the bottom, bounced off a
pillow and into an eddy on the right. It was SCHWEEEEEET! OH YESH, IT WAS
NICHE! It was quite a ride and my hooting and hollering could be heard all
the way at the top of the dam! I boofed a 5 foot drop next to a tree and
rode a shallow slide out to the very bottom of the spillway. I carried up
the trail to the top of the dam where I proceded to give my Micro 240 "The
People's Elbow". It was awesome! I had taken my medecine that makes me
feel like a tall tree (The Mosier Dam) and I was on top of the world!
I was pumped up the whole ride home. It took us another 7.5 hours
to get home. I gotta say that the length of the drive didn't do p-turkey
for me. However, I had Jim and KidRock to keep me company as we continued
our goofiness about leaving Yankee country. We stopped in Wilkes Barre for
dinner because we heard that the people of Scranton weren't real friendly
and the only thing you could get there was a knuckle sandwhich. It had
been an awesome weekend! I had run some new runs, laid the smackdown on
several rapids, paddle with good friends, and, most of all, kicked my
shiznit DOGGYSTYLE!

Have a hardcore day! Ballzout.

Bobby
Starrk Moon Kayak Platoon

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* All the girlies say I'm pretty fly for a white guy! *
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* True nobility lies not in being superior to your fellow *
* man, but in being superior to your former self. *
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